Losing My Grip
by FantineInAFez
Summary: Mina and Lucy's friendship is incredibly strong... however Lucy is finding it increasingly difficult to hide her true feelings. How long can she keep up appearances once she learns of Jonathan and Mina's plans to marry, and of Alexander Grayson's affections for her dearest Mina? Who can she turn to for support? Can't love can make people do peculiar things? Lucy/Mina.
1. Chapter 1

**A Lucy/Mina fanfic from Lucy's P.O.V. Set at the end of 1x03. Based on episode 2 and 3, however it doesn't follow the exact order of what happens in the episodes. Lucy appears to be a strong, beautiful woman to everyone but when it comes to Mina she just doesn't know what to do. This probably won't be a one-shot, but I don't know how closely I'll stick to the events of the series if I do write more. This became increasingly more fluffy as it went along... I sincerely apologise. Rated T just to be safe as I don't know where my brain will take this fic. :)**

* * *

_Mina. Mina Murray. The name slips silently off my tongue, and each time, I savour the poetic rhythm of it. A name almost as poetic as its owner; but not truly coming close. How can a woman appear so superficially beautiful to those around her, whilst simultaneously bearing the intelligence to exceed so many of the so-called gentlemen she is educated alongside? She is unique, special, far more special than Jonathan Harker will ever understand. He gives her no credit; his ideas of a 'proper English wife' have been ingrained in him since childhood; no credit that she possesses a mind far more complex and able than his will ever be._

* * *

I hear Mina say "I passed..." in a tone full of evident excitement and relief. In that moment my pride in her has overtaken any other emotion, we're giddy with delight as I smile and interrupt with "Not only passed, but top in her class." She is grinning, her perfect smile makes my insides squirm with content, her eyes glisten with a hint of pride in herself, but none of that could come close to the immense sense of pride I feel for her in this moment. I automatically finish Mina's next sentence, it barely registering as it leaves my lips, "...she's the first female student to come top of her class in college." A light blush crept across her cheeks that made me feel warm inside, as though the heat of her cheeks was warming me. I feel a slight pang of jealousy as I think how Mina is putting her intelligence to good use whilst I'm stuck being the 'proper' lady, why can't I use my intelligence like her? Then, the moment of pleasure is gone and all I can feel is jealousy. I'd been watching her intently as she excitedly relayed our previous conversation to Jonathan, but in the next moment I couldn't look any longer. She embraces Harker and plants a gentle kiss on his lips. He barely kisses her back, I know this because I snatch a glance at Mina's captivating cobalt eyes as they flicker over Jonathan's features. If I was in his place, I'd have held her close and that kiss would have explained to her the things words couldn't... and then there's Jonathan, barely even caring. My tone falters slightly as I tell Mina's darling Jonathan that I've booked us a table at the Savoy, I couldn't care to sit with the ungrateful man at a table... but I didn't expect him to turn it down. Did he do it to impress Mina? No, no, he chose to go to Grayson and work instead of celebrating with us. He chose work over Mina. Her independent nature is evident now and she can't help but confront Jonathan. He doesn't know whether or not he wants her to pursue her dream of becoming a physician, I've thought that for a while, now I know for sure. Mina is slowly realising it aswell. I hate that he's messing with her in this way but I just want her to realise that it's not always perfect.

* * *

_Dearest Mina._

_I'm sat here in my bed, it's the middle of the afternoon and the only thing I can think of is Mina. A rose lies beside me, with its individual petals discarded, atop of a note written in my neatly looping handwriting. It's not fair. It's consuming me. I can never have her... I know I can't. But you cannot help who you fall for. She's my best friend, she's always been my best friend. I remember when she first met Jonathan, a boy of seventeen who Mina fell for immediately. He's not from the same background as us, if anything, he's a complete commoner. My family would be appalled if I fell for someone like him... but that's my family for you. I don't know where he grew up or how our paths came to cross... but I know that as soon as they saw each other, Mina didn't stop talking about him. I had never felt the sort of jealousy I felt in those next few months. I didn't understand it back then, but over the coming months and years I fully understood why I felt so jealous when she spoke about her darling Jonathan. I'm expected to marry a gentleman of status, someone who can care for me and provide for me... as though I am a child, if my father had allowed me to study as Mina does perhaps it would be different. I've been brought up to believe in the proper Victorian lady, but as I look at Mina the first thing I see is someone so strong and independent... proof that not all women need to be molly-coddled their entire lives. Mina's the only person I can completely be myself around. I'm happiest when I'm with her, that's how it's always been. We are completely content in each other's company. _

* * *

"If the cure for my loneliness and your broken heart are the same thing..." I hold myself strong in front of Mina; not daring to show my inner emotions; smiling widely at her, my heart pounding.

She whispers to me, "How did you know?" as her eyes flicker to the ground. She doesn't have the glint in her eye that is usually there. She overheard Jonathan's protestations about her being (or not being, should I say?) a 'proper English wife' and I can see by the look on her face that she's heartbroken.

"Dearest Mina, do not shed a single tear for Jonathan Harker..." my words are quieter than I had anticipated, gently laced with comforting tones. "...we'll forget him together, at my house." It was out of my mouth before I realised... not that I regretted it the slightest bit. As I step forwards towards Mina, I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from running a finger along her jaw, carefully calming the anger concealed within her slight body. Mina doesn't get angry, not openly at least... however, she felt angry about what Jonathan had done and that was as clear as day. I wanted to hold her close but that's not my style, I don't feel comfortable doing that; at least no whilst I'm sober anyway. I make a few choice comments and begin to suggest that the two of us go out that night. Mina blinks desperately to try and hide her tears, but I know she's hurting... and that's Jonathan's fault entirely.

* * *

_A lukewarm tear rolls down my cheek and I snatch it away with a corner of the bed sheet. I need to get a hold of myself. I don't cry. Pathetic. I try not to let Mina monopolise my thoughts but that's virtually impossible to do. I feel my anger towards Jonathan mellow as I brush my fingers through my hair, the repetitive action calming me and lulling me into a light sleep. I allow my eyes to gently close again; even though it's the middle of the afternoon; as I think about last night, falling deeper into dreamland... closer to Mina._

* * *

She's radiant, her cheeks glow as the mid-morning sunlight creeps through the curtains up at the window. I don't want to look. It feels wrong watching her whilst she sleeps, but she just looks so peaceful. I take my book off the bedside table and begin to read, not really taking in the words dancing around on the page. It feels like I've been awake for hours already, I can't bear to wake Mina, not yet... after all, I'm surprised she looks so peaceful after the previous night.

* * *

Mina doesn't really drink alone, definitely not on the scale that I do, but when we're together she can drink me under the table. How un-ladylike of us. I laugh thinking about how un-feminine we can sometimes be when we're together. Both me and her have wealth and beauty on our side; just as any _good _lady should; but Mina's put the intelligence she possesses too good use; unlike me... but evidently, that's not desirable to everyone. We sit in a club, barely paying attention to the other people around us. Drink after to drink. We get giggly when we're drunk; carefree. We lay our heads on each other's shoulders momentarily before we're overcome with another wave of laughter. Suddenly, our foreheads are touching. My heart is pounding against my ribs. She still looks so innocent, even with a drunken delirium clouding her judgement. A strand of her chestnut hair un-coils from her neat up-do as she leans against my forehead. My breath catches in my throat, causing me to go dizzy... or was it just from the close proximity I'm in with Mina? Her perfume smells of enticing flowers and I have to use all my will power to stop myself kissing her. Would she mind? She's the one leaning on me... it may only be for a few moments, but I hold her gaze several seconds too long and then she breaks into another fit of giggles and moves away. For a moment, I regret not kissing her, but imagine if she'd taken offence. Of course she'd have taken offence... wouldn't she? I can't risk it, I can't lose my best friend over something like that. We laugh together, drinking until almost dawn. We stumble home to mine in the early morning sunrise, my heart pounding every time Mina collides with me on the walk back. I can usually hold myself together, alcohol doesn't affect me like this often... how much had me and her got through that night? It doesn't bear thinking about but one thing I knew was that it felt awfully liberating.

* * *

My eyes flick over the words on the pristine pages, looking from the book, to Mina and then back to the book. There's a slight smile lingering on her lips, I wonder if she's dreaming... and for that matter, what she's dreaming about.

* * *

When we get to the door, Mina sees there is a bouquet of delicate red roses standing on the step. I don't for a second think they are for me, so she picks up the card as we both giggle, our delirious state increasing. She hands the card to me, as I'm more used to being this delirious, and I read it aloud. _"When it comes to dreams one may falter, but the only way to fail is to abandon them. Congratulations." _The card wasn't signed. Was it Jonathan? Even he doesn't revert to grovelling as rapidly as this. Mina said it wasn't Jonathan. I hope he's somewhere feeling immensely guilty for what he said about Mina. Who else could such a spectacular bouquet be off? She scoops them into her arms and we stumble in through the door, subsequently apologising each time we crash in to one another. Who could have sent these roses? The person who's sent them to her clearly cares an awful lot. Could it be Jonathan? Possibly? No, it must be someone else, the message on the card wouldn't make sense to be from Jonathan... but who else could it be? I'm glad someone cares for Mina enough to send this bouquet but I feel agonisingly jealous all over again. If it wasn't Jonathan who'd sent these flowers with a card full of encouragement... then there's someone else desperate for Mina's attention. Someone else hopelessly vying for her love, just as I am. Mina looked almost as though she knew who had sent them, she'd even glanced around before we headed inside... looking for someone. I'm desperate to know who it was, but for now I'll savour my time with Mina. As she places the beautiful bouquet down on a nearby table, each rose's intoxicating scent swirls towards my nostrils. They smell almost identical to the perfume Mina is wearing tonight. I unconsciously reach down and pluck one from the centre of the bunch, carefully avoiding the sharp thorns guarding each stem. I breathe in it's scent and then suddenly I hear music start up in the next room. I could swear Mina is trying to kill me with her behaviour tonight. I slowly walk in to the next room, constantly telling myself to hide my emotions... even though the alcohol in my system is screaming at me that this is my opportunity, but I know it isn't. Mina grabs my right hand and guides me in to the centre of the room, trying to stop herself giggling hysterically. "Care for a dance, Captain Westenra?" Mina asks flirtatiously; continuing our playful joke from earlier in the evening; as we begin to dance. I cannot keep myself from smiling as I repeat Mina's words in my mind. It must be at least 5am by now, the sun's fingers creep through the nets up at the window, and here's me and Mina dancing around the room hand in hand. I'm holding on to both of her hands now and we're swirling around the room together in time to the music. This is ridiculous. Is this actually happening or am I just dreaming? Ouch. I clip my elbow on the corner of a chair and lean my weight forwards on to Mina slightly more to steady myself, still clutching the russet rose between my fingers. Definitely not dreaming. I laugh. Mina stops and I consciously tell myself not to stare at her because my heart is already pounding desperately against my ribs at this whole situation. Mina's cobalt eyes glance towards the grand clock on the wall, her eyebrows shoot upwards as she realises the time. Without even having to speak, I know she's heading up to bed now and as she walks out of the room I follow behind her. She spends so much time in my house that she knows her way around almost as well as I myself do. There's never been any question of why the two of us sleeping in one room would be construed as anything other than two good friends... which is exactly what we are; and must remain. I must have fallen asleep as soon as I got in to bed because when I wake up I barely remember anything except pulling the covers over me, already dozing off. Which brings us back to the sunlight streaming through the window and me pretending to read whilst snatching glances at Mina's peaceful, sleeping frame.

* * *

I place the book down on the bedside table where I found it and slowly ease myself off the bed so not to disturb Mina as the sun dances on her flawless cheeks. I walk across the polished floor of the bedroom, over to the ornate desk. I begin to twist my hair back up roughly and clip it into place, then decide that it is more hassle than it's worth and I place the pins back down on to the desk. My eyes are drawn to my barely used block of note paper neatly arranged on the desk in front of me. It's barely used because I never write to anyone, I find it far too time consuming. I take the pen in my hand and begin to write, not thinking about what I'm writing for one second. My carefully curled letters falter slightly as my hand shakes. This is ridiculous, again, I'm not a nervous person... perhaps it's my hangover making me shake? I know it's not, but I do anything to convince myself that Mina isn't making me this nervous. I finish my note and read it through, before even reaching halfway down I realise it makes no sense at all. I crumple the paper up tightly in my fist and throw it into the waste basket at the side of her desk. I take another piece of paper and pick the pen back up between my fingers and write in the most elegant cursive I can, _"Dearest Mina..."_ then I stop to think about what I'm going to write. I feel the knots in my stomach become agonisingly tight. I write the truth... well some of it at least. I write how I'm only happy with her, how she inspires me... I tell her almost all of the truth; except my own true feelings for her. Once I've finished writing, I sign, _"Your best friend, Lucy Westenra"_ with a flourish at the bottom of the paper. I cautiously pick up the rose which I must have laid on my desk before I went to sleep earlier that morning. I walk over to the bedside table on Mina's side and lay both the note and the rose down carefully with a smile dancing on my lips. I slowly walk back over to my side of the bed, the sunlight was glaringly bright now and I look at the clock that was gently ticking on the other side of the room. It's already afternoon. I sit myself back down on the bed atop the warming blankets and look towards Mina again. I watch her eyes flicker under her lids, she seems to be beginning to stir and I can't help but smile. I gently run my finger along her lips, lingering there until she opens her eyes with a smile. My heart is racing as I wonder if she's going to say anything... but she doesn't, all she does is smile.

"You're up," Mina whispers after a few moments, my stomach flutters at the sound of her voice.

"Thinking." I reply honestly. What else am I to say?

"Oh, thinking..." Mina's breathy voice responds, I feel my stomach writhe as I try not to be to obvious about my feelings.

"I do think you know, every so often." My automatic reaction; joke around.

Mina, inquisitive as ever asks me, "And what are you thinking about?"

I don't stop myself, I don't even think at first. I just reply, "You. You inspire me to..." then I realise I can't say what I was about to so finish the sentence with, "I don't know, greater independence, I suppose." I look away from Mina as I'm sure it's glaringly obvious to her that I'm lying, especially considering she knows me so well.

"What time is it?" Mina asks, her voice still breathy and laden with sleep.

"Two, we gave half the day to the night." I answer with a gentle laugh... well, until I see the look on Mina's face as she practically leaps out of the bed.

"Two?" She repeats frantically, a slight hint of anger creeping in to her voice. I feel bad for not waking her now.

"Mina, what is it?" Mina's urgency is echoed in my reply, however I remember exactly why she's so frantic. I don't need to await the radiant brunette's response, however I do.

"I missed Professor Van Helsing's class," she mumbles as she heads towards the door. I feel guilty. I've been awake for a few hours now and I should have remembered she needed to be somewhere, but she'd just looked so peaceful... it would have been like waking a sleeping baby. She leaves in a hurry and once she is gone, I cast my eyes across to the side of the bed where she'd been sleeping and my heart sinks. The rose and the note lay untouched on the bedside table. I lean over and pick them up, no longer bothering to mind the thorns dotted along the stem of the rose, and drop them on to the bed beside me. I cover my legs over with the duvet and pick up the rose and pull out a single petal, just turning it over in my hand before dropping it beside me. I continue this until all the petals lay in a pile beside me and another single tear meanders down my warm cheek. I wish that I could tell Mina how I feel, but now she hasn't read the note, I probably won't tell her. However, I'll keep the note... you know, just in case.

* * *

**I hope you guys didn't find it too boring or rubbish, I'd greatly appreciate it if you could leave me a review or something... you know, reviews motivate me to write more. I really enjoyed writing this first chapter, so I'd like to write more if you'd read it. X**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm so so sorry it's been ages since the first chapter but it's just been one thing after the other and writing has been put on a back-burner, but hopefully that won't happen too often. Thanks to those who reviewed chapter 1, I really do appreciate it. So yes, here you go... have a second chapter. I hope you like it. x**

* * *

_Mina and Mr Grayson are standing on an elegant veranda similar to that of the dark bar I so often frequent. The glorious full moon lights the sapphire sky above them and casts their long shadows far across the tiled ground. The moon-shine dances on Mina's flawless cheeks and sends a shiver of pleasure through my body, she looks so innocent and picturesque. Mr Grayson has his usual sarcastic scowl pinned upon his hypnotising features, the moonlight only making him seem more sinister, to my eyes at least. Mina smiles and the moon dances on her teeth, she stares at Grayson intently and I feel that familiar pang of jealousy all over again. The sinister American leans towards Mina and she doesn't budge an inch, I hear him tell her in a hushed tone, "Sometimes the people and places we are meant for take us by surprise," and I see her smile at him again. He subtly runs his hand down her arm and rests his hand next to hers. My stomach writhes with jealousy again. Mina now turns her head towards me, where I am stood shrouded in the shadows. She can't possibly know I'm standing here. Her eyes are almost pitiful, she smirks slightly in my direction and mouthes the words, "You'll never have me, never! I would rather Mr Grayson than you, and I barely even know him!" Mina looks so sinister in that moment as the moon reflects off her usually captivating eyes and then she turns away from me and allows Grayson to plant a hearty kiss on her perfectly glossed lips. My stomach churns with emotion and confusion and the only option I have is to run because I can't bear to see anymore. I don't understand. I don't understand at all._

* * *

I start awake with a cold layer of sweat upon my brow and I open my eyes wide to see where I am. I'm lying in my bed, in my slowly darkening room. It's already evening. I must have fallen asleep for a few more hours than I intended because it was only early afternoon when I commenced my nap. I'm clenching the bedsheet in my fists, almost as if stabilising my body will still my tormented mind... but in truth, it has no effect at all. My breathing is still agonisingly fast as I wipe the beads of sweat off my brow with a slight air of confusion. It was only a dream. It was a dream. Mina and Grayson were only together in my dream and yet I can't place why it felt so real. Then it strikes me, some of it _was_ in fact real. Grayson really had been on that veranda with Mina the previous night, he really had said what I heard him say... but they didn't kiss and what Mina snarled at me in my dream definitely did not happen in reality. However, I can still feel the dull ache in the pit of my stomach caused by seeing Mina kiss someone else. Why had I envisioned her kissing Alexander Grayson? I just can't make sense of it. I know I saw them talking together the previous night but that shouldn't make me imagine them together in such a way as this. I fidget around under my blanket as I calm my breathing and adjust to being out of my dream world; well it was more a nightmare world I guess. I roll on to my side and remember the shredded rose lying beside me. What if they'd been from him? He easily has the money to send such an exquisite bouquet of roses, and after all, he did take rather a shine to our dearest Mina on that evening with the magically powered light bulbs. I can't base all of this on my dream though. What is there for the two of them to discuss with each other on that veranda? I guess the most likely conversations would be about either Jonathan or about her education, I see how that would make sense... I hope more than anything in this moment that I am right. One thing that I can't fathom in my mind is why my brain decided to make me watch them kiss in my dream, why those two? Why not just Mina and Jonathan? I've seen them kiss so many times previously the image is burned into my memory. It's the image my unconscious mind plays me repeatedly as a reminder that Mina will not, and never can be, mine. I close my eyes tightly and rest my head in my hands for a moment to try and calm the whirlpool of thoughts in my head. It's not working in the slightest, all it is doing is allowing me to over think the dream and the whole situation. I hate when I let myself get like this. I'm not the sort of person who cries, I can't bear the weakness... crying is just so pointless to me. However, here I am fighting back tears as I try to quell my ridiculous thoughts. Somehow now I just know that the bouquet of roses were sent to Mina by Mr Alexander Grayson. I assume that Mina has left them downstairs due to her having to rush off earlier today. I pick up the rose stem beside me and roughly collect up the petals I tore off some hours ago now. Once I'm holding them, all I can feel is anger. I'm infuriated that Mr Grayson thinks he has any right to my Mina, for I know that if she cannot be mine then she shall be Jonathan's... that's how it's been since the two of them first met. I do not even know if Mr Grayson was in fact the sender of the glorious bouquet, so in truth I know my anger is worthless, but somehow I can only see it being him. I stare at the clump of petals in my hand and it just makes me think of everything I can never be to Mina, it makes me feel pathetic and weak and most of all it just makes me angry. I throw the petals across the room as hard as I possibly can and I watch them float to the polished floor. Even the way the petals fall frustrates me, they're so gentle and elegant, like a snowflake on a January wind... everything is calm and peaceful around me but I'm neither of those things and it feels like I never will be, ever again. I let out an irritated sigh as I get out of bed and slip into one of my most simple of dresses, I figure that if anyone calls around this evening then I should at least look presentable. Before I head downstairs, I turn back to the bed and pick up the letter I wrote to Mina previously today. My hand shakes slightly as I try to decide what to do with it... there's no way I can get rid of it but I would never dare to let Mina read it now. I carefully place it inside my drawer in the cupboard near my bed and hope to forget about it forever.

* * *

Downstairs I notice the bouquet of roses are lying just where Mina left them when we got to mine in the early hours of this morning and I scoop them into my arms and breathe in their scent as deeply as possible. It reminds me of Mina. I carefully take the card from where it is nestled amongst the leaves and I read it aloud to myself again. It's almost poetic, far more eloquent than almost any message I've ever seen on a bouquet. If they are in fact from Grayson, I must at least give him credit for how enthralling his turn of phrase must be. Reading those words of encouragement make me feel guilty more than anything because I never really push Mina on to greater things for I don't know how to... and also because sometimes I can be cripplingly jealous of my best friend's education. I wish I could encourage her but I'm useless when it comes to feelings... that's why I drink alcohol in excess. It's even worse when me and Mina are together because the more I drink, the more open I become about my feelings... so I just keep drinking to quell the urge to tell Mina the truth. I know that I cannot be what I want to be to Mina, but I can still be her best friend and that almost hurts more. I'm at her side through everything and she confides in me about Jonathan and on the times she talks about how dearly she loves him, all I can ever do is wonder what it must be like to be talked about so adoringly by someone such as Mina... well, Mina in particular. I turn the card over and over in the palm of my hand and I'm now thinking about my best friend in great detail. The mind may be controlled by forces beyond our control at times, but when I think of Mina there is no controlling what I will imagine.

* * *

_I imagine the feeling of her breath on my skin, cool and slow as it begins to calm me down. Her captivating eyes staring into my own, causing my breath to catch in my throat without warning as I admire the hypnotising blueness of them. Our lips lock together in mutual desire but we kiss gently and oh so tentatively, it would feel so wrong to kiss any other way. I entwine my hands within her luscious hair and we just watch each other for a moment or two, without saying a word. I'm lost within a world where Mina is all that matters and I can openly admire her beauty. My heart is pounding in my chest as we nervously begin to kiss again, this time it wasn't quite so gentle but it just felt so magical. I want to keep kissing Mina forever..._

* * *

I hear the knocker clunk against the thick oak door and I'm snapped out of my fantasy world. A world where Mina and I openly share our feelings for each other... A world where Mina actually has feelings for me. Mother is not due back from her trip for at least a few days yet, so I almost assume that the person knocking my door is Mina. I don't want to be stolen away from my dream world, however I reluctantly head towards the door to see who it is. I un-latch the bolt and begin to swing the heavy door open. It is Mina. A hundred inappropriate things speed through my mind as I fight the urge to kiss Mina... after what I've just imagined that's all I want to do. I regain some of my composure and smile widely, "Ahh, Mina darling. Come in." I beckon my best friend to come inside and she does so, as always. "What brings you back here? Missing me already?" I finish with an air of flirtation as I walk with Mina into the drawing room.

"Yes, yes Lucy. You wish." Mina laughs in reply and even though it is meant in an utterly light-hearted way, the words _'you wish'_ are almost painful because yes, I really do wish. "Guess what...!" Mina continues with excitement.

"Oh what?" I ask, my voice almost mimicking Mina's excited tone. I wonder what she is about to tell me but I can't really think of what it may be. I now have to force the fantasies I have about Mina to the back of my mind so I'm even able to look her in the eyes.

"Me and Jonathan are to be married!" Mina replies, almost squealing with ecstasy.

For a moment I just sit in silence, wondering if I've heard her correctly. Just yesterday Mina and Jonathan weren't even speaking to each other and now they are engaged to be wed. I can't make true sense of how this happened so I have no choice but to ask Mina. "Oh wow, when did this happen? I thought you and Jonathan..."

"Oh but he apologised and said he needs to accept my wish to become a physician because he knows that's what makes me happy. Oh Lucy, I couldn't not forgive him!" Mina responds with an almost lilting quality to her voice. My stomach churns as I listen, yet again, to Mina singing her dear Jonathan's praises. Her tone of voice makes the churning pause for a moment and my stomach flutters as I appreciate how happy and innocent she sounds.

"So... so you forgave him and he asked you to marry him? Doesn't sound awfully gentlemanly to me." I quip, I can't help it, it's left my mouth before I've thought about it.

"Oh but no dear Lucy, I was the one who asked him!" Mina informs me with a hint of pride filling her voice, and a light blush dancing on her cheeks.

"So _you_ asked Jonathan to marry you?" I begin with surprise but also that same hint of pride Mina had when telling me, "Oh Mina, you really are something aren't you?" I finish with a knowing smile.

"I know it isn't customary for the lady to ask, but if I waited for Jonathan to ask then it would never happen. You know what he's like." Mina laughs in response. Whilst I knew this was true, I couldn't help but think for a moment that if Mina had waited for Jonathan then they may have grown apart. I feel incredibly cruel for thinking this so I concentrate on how much I admire Mina's independence, how she took it upon herself when she knew it wouldn't happen otherwise... this is one of the things that make her so very special to me.

"You really are something." I repeat quietly, without meaning to. I hadn't meant to say the words aloud but they just sort of slipped my lips.

"Oi, enough of that Lucy." Mina giggles, as she playfully pretends to be angry with me. My heart is racing and pounding against my ribs as I try to keep up this facade I have, as I fight my inner feelings that are only being enhanced by Mina's behaviour.

"Anyway, when are we going to celebrate your engagement?" I ask as I attempt to entice my mind away from it's fantasies about the beautiful woman in front of me. I hope my tone conveyed some degree of excitement and not the saddened ache I am actually feeling.

"Well, I was hoping that you would help me organise a party. I know how you love to be a part of things." Mina replies with a smile but also with a seriousness now which shows she wants everything to go perfectly. Mina's words were almost patronising and they were almost painful to hear. The only reason I always want to be a part of everything is because being near Mina is all that truly makes me happy; I know that to be entirely pathetic but it's also the truth.

"Of course, dearest Mina. I would love to help organise your engagement party," I start, desperately hoping my words are convincing and don't sound too forced, "Have you got any ideas where you'd want to hold it?"

"Oh thank you Lucy, I knew you would!" Mina exclaims and yet again I feel my stomach churn with frustration. "Jonathan said he would ask Mr Grayson if he would let us use Carfax Manor for an evening. We shall know whether he agrees by tomorrow morning, what do you think?"

"Well it would certainly make for a grand affair, but are you sure you want to owe anything to Mr Grayson?" I reply, airing on the side of caution and indicating my worries to Mina in a roundabout way.

"Alexander Grayson is a kind man and if he doesn't want us there then he can of course say no to our request to use the Manor." Mina answers democratically, ensuring she doesn't assume anything in the meantime.

"Okay then Mina, that is all I wanted to check, for I don't want you to be hurt." I inform her calmly, hoping that this phrase doesn't evoke too much suspicion in my intellectual friend.

"Why on earth would I get hurt?" she questions me in an accusatory tone which suddenly makes me realise how ridiculous I am being. After all, those things were only in my dream.

"Oh nothing darling, you know how suspicious I can get of people. You know Mr Grayson better than I do, and anyway, you always have been the better judge of character." I mumble half-heartedly, for I know that I am lying. Mina is a terrible judge of character because she has always desperately sought out the good in people instead of just taking them for who they are. Sometimes this can be an incredible virtue but more often than not it is a curse because she hopes so much that someone is good, she forgets about all the traits that make them a dark character. I wonder if I am somehow right about Grayson, perhaps not in the same way as I think... but there _is _something suspicious about him.

"I am always grateful for your concerns Lucy, I really am." Mina smiles warmly as she stands up from where she has been sitting previously. I feel a warmth swell inside me as she thanks me for my concerns. I stand up aswell to walk with Mina to the door and she turns to face me as we are about halfway up the hallway. "Lucy, you don't mind doing this, do you?" Mina kindly enquires and I wonder if there is more than one answer.

"No, of course not, Mina." I reply, truly knowing that any other answer would require explanation I was not willing to give.

"Thank you Lucy, I really do appreciate it. If there is anything I can do to thank you, don't hesitate to let me know." Mina seems so genuinely grateful for my accepting to help plan her engagement party but I just feel agonisingly jealous of her. I feel like a traitor for not being honest with her but I know being honest would cause a plethora of problems neither of us need.

We walk to the door and as Mina is about to leave she adds, "I'll get word to you on what Mr Grayson says, and if he agrees then would you be able to come along to Carfax Manor tomorrow to plan how we will make sure everything goes smoothly?" Mina smiles widely and it warms my insides again.

"Yes, of course I can. Just let me know what he says." I reply with genuine kindness and warmth because Mina's smile makes me happier than anything else could.

"Thank you again." Mina giggles, as she walks out of the door and hovers on the steps outside.

"Go on you, I'll see you tomorrow." I laugh in response as I wave Mina off and shut the heavy door behind her, cutting myself off from the rest of the world and desperately hoping that nobody else calls again this evening.

* * *

If you'd told me that when I found out my best friend was engaged, the first thing I would feel was jealousy then I'd have told you that it would never happen. However, here I am leaning against a re-locked door with my eyes tightly shut wondering what I have got myself in to. I want Mina to be happy more than anything else, but to watch her and Jonathan grow closer and closer together is starting to take it's toll on me. Now that I have agreed to organise their engagement party for them, I know I will have to spend time with Jonathan and Mina and watch them behave the way that all couples in love do. Just because I have to, doesn't mean I want to. What is even worse about the whole situation is that I now I have ridiculously unsupported suspicions about Alexander Grayson. I wonder why on earth he would consider allowing Mina and Jonathan to use his own house to throw an extravagant party... after all, Jonathan is only an employee of his; they barely even know the man. If he wants to let them, then I'm not the one to stop him. I just want to see Mina happy, but my constant lying to her is wearing me down and I don't want that to happen.

What I really want is Mina; sweet, beautiful and clever Mina... but Mina will never want me. Not in the way that I want her.

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**Thanks for reading this chapter, hope it was okay. I would be great if you could leave a review :) x**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm probably not going to follow the series so much from here because whilst I do want Lucy to, at some point, open up to Mina about her feelings, I don't want it to be this early on because I have a lot of ideas as to where I want to go with this fanfic now. (However, I must add that the scene between Lucy and Mina in episode 6 was beautifully written and stunningly portrayed by both... and it may or may not have made me cry.) Also, I can't resist bringing Lady Jayne Wetherby into this (only introducing a bit of 'something' between her and Lucy this chapter) because I'm actually really intrigued by the many ways you can interpret their situation... So I hope you guys don't mind that too much. X**

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_There are always times when you agree to do something, fully expecting it to be terrible but all the while you are secretly hoping that you'll be proved wrong. My decision to plan Mina and Jonathan's darling little engagement party was one of those very moments... only it didn't prove me wrong. Oh, it proved my point to be entirely correct. I thought it would be difficult to hide my emotions as I watched my beautiful best friend celebrate with her silly little fiancé, but nowhere near as difficult as it actually wound up being in the end. _

* * *

Mina looks absolutely decadent in her beautiful gown, with her hair neatly curled and gently twisted in to its style. I can barely tear my eyes away from her as she practically radiates beauty, the light dancing on the fabric of her dress, even though there seems to be some shadow of a doubt behind her eyes... or perhaps I'm just imagining it; longing for it. I mill around amongst the guests, many of whom I nor Mina have ever had the displeasure of being previously acquainted with. Many of them are business associates of Jonathan's, invited almost solely on the request of Mr Grayson. I stay by Mina's side for the majority of the evening, even carefully tucking a loose curl behind her ear, once or twice, with a gentle hand as my heart pounds in my chest. As the evening begins to drag, Jonathan makes his speech... which in all honesty, I didn't have high hopes for. As a thank you to Mr Grayson for allowing them; entirely of his own accord may I add; to use Carfax Manor for the evening, Jonathan gifts him the first dance with my dearest Mina. A lump forms in my throat as my torturous dream clambers its way towards the front of my mind. I swallow in an attempt to control my thoughts, after all it _was _only a dream. Grayson steps forwards, in a commanding manner, into the centre of the classically tiled floor of his wonderful estate. I'm all too aware that Lady Wetherby is standing at the back of the room, I'm sure I've never known another woman with such an eagle-eyed attention to the situations around her. She is always on the look-out for something, as though someone is hunting her down like a feral dog... but on this celebratory evening, even she had looked more relaxed than ever before.

That was, until now.

Grayson takes Mina in hold and the music begins, both are rather capable dancers but the way they move around the floor together is somewhat enchanting. I watch Mina with attentive eyes, as does Jonathan... and as for Lady Wetherby, I am almost sure she is staring at Grayson. My mind is already teased by the few opening steps of Mina and Grayson's waltz and as I steal a second glance back towards Lady Wetherby, I feel a twinge of what I can only describe as longing. No, it must just be something to do with the very little amount of food I chose to eat earlier that evening. _Who am I kidding?_ Yet another feeling that I cannot comprehend or share with anyone, as if I need another.

* * *

Mina and Grayson glide around the floor together, as all the guests watch admirably, however three members of that audience care far less about the entertainment value of it all. Grayson's hands are manoeuvring themselves down from Mina's shoulder and waist and getting lower than should ever be acceptable at a public spectacle. He's resting a hand low-down on her hip and they're staring into each other's eyes. They're sailing around the room with gracious ease, but my feelings are out of control and I begin to feel tears welling up in my eyes. My chest is tightening under my corset as I watch my darling Mina dance with the sinister Mr Grayson... somehow, it is as though they've danced this dance together hundreds of times before. Both Mina and Grayson's heads are leaning into that of one another and I assume that the atmosphere in the room is in fact just as dense as it feels to me, in this moment. I cannot keep my tears at bay much longer, of everything I'd imagined about this evening, none of them were as bad as the situation unfolding before me. Suddenly they stopped. Jonathan has placed his hand upon Grayson's shoulder, indicating he would like to have his wonderful fiancé all to himself again. There was a look of what I can only understand to be fear upon Mina's face, whilst she had danced with Grayson she had seemed confused but now she just looks scared. Jonathan takes Mina in his arms as they both exchange a look of confirmation that I can relate to, they also had their suspicions about Alexander Grayson's motives and now they've been confirmed. Grayson is gone in a flash, I assume he's gone to hide away upstairs or that he's gone to do some work... but that doesn't matter now. My stomach churns with longing and want; with jealousy of Jonathan. My tears brim over my lids and cling to my lashes in their final attempt to retain my final shred of dignity, but soon I feel their warmth on my cheeks and I know that I need to leave immediately. I spin around on the spot, a burning combination of anger and despair is rekindled in my heart. I push my way towards the door and even through my tear-filled eyes, I notice that Lady Wetherby is no longer standing there and I realise, suddenly, that I feel some description of disappointment... or at least I think that's what I feel. None of that matters. Nothing matters now. Grayson _was, _without a doubt, the mysterious sender of those gorgeous roses, he _did_ have affections for Mina and he wasn't afraid (or maybe even aware) of the consequences of displaying these feelings. As though competing with Jonathan wasn't difficult enough for me, I know that Grayson being thrown into the equation will cause me even more heartache.

* * *

I get into a carriage and I'm practically curled up in the corner until I arrive back at my soulless little house. My tears are still streaming down my cheeks as I fumble with the door handle to let myself in. I lift my plethora of petticoats off the ground and hold them upon my arm as I begin to run up the marble staircase, this whole time images of Mina with Jonathan _and _with Grayson hurl themselves around in my mind until I can't fight it any more. I fall to the ground in a frenzy, halfway up the staircase, amongst a blanket of my own skirts. My body is racked with emotion and I can feel it all battling to get out at once, so I lay my head between my legs and sob; loud, cleansing sobs. Nothing between me and Mina will ever be the same now. There'll never be a time where me and Mina are entirely left to our own devices, she'll always have Jonathan... but what is to be done about Grayson? I don't know how much longer I can bear this torture. My best friend, my only _true_ friend, the person I trust with everything I know... everything except that one crucial thing, my own feelings.

I hear my maid call to me from the top of the staircase with panic in her voice, however my immediate reaction is to yell and scream, so that is exactly what I do. I snap my response even more harshly than I had truly intended to. She seems hurt by this but I know I cannot explain why I am curled up on the stair crying my heart out into my skirts, so what's the use in being kind?

* * *

_Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through the torture of loving Mina, especially considering I barely even understand my feelings; after all, I don't know any other women who love another woman. _

_When I was younger I used to collect the staves of writing that my father read and from there I developed a great love of literature, I've read many a book in my time so far and never once has there been one which contained some sort of reference even similar to how I feel, except those affections often observed between men and women. I've never really thought about it before but I guess there can't be all that many people out there who feel like I do, but there are obviously some, even if I know nothing about them... I just wish, at times like this, that I had someone who would understand that. I know deep down it makes no difference because I'm expected to marry a wealthy man and if that's what's expected then that is what will happen in the end, whether I like it or not. I hate it but it is surely true, for if I don't understand my feelings then other people surely couldn't either? _

_Then I remember why I put myself through the torture. I can do nothing to avoid it. Mina is just captivatingly beautiful and every time I'm around her I feel more myself than I do at any other time. I cannot avoid the mention of what the imagination can do at a time like this and I must admit, it can do a great deal more than you'd expect. _

* * *

I lie on my bed in my nightdress, my cheeks still streaked with phantom tears. I can't bring myself to cry anymore as I feel utterly drained of my sadness. I barely even remember bringing myself to bed, I just know that I did. The anger and frustration has died down within me and now all I can think about is Mina. Beautiful Mina. I let my eyes flutter shut, not to sleep but just to imagine. I form an image of Mina's flawless face in my mind and concentrate intently on it, taking in its every detail. Her gorgeous cobalt eyes, gently enshrouded by their thick and uniform lashes. Her smooth, velvetine skin. Her carefully curled, chestnut hair that tickles my nose if I lean against her shoulder. This isn't an unusual occurrence, for I imagine Mina more than I imagine anything else... but I don't usually imagine any more of Mina than I have already mentioned.

_You cannot control your mind; your imagination; so I don't know why I am ashamed to think of this next thing. _

I have spent almost all of my life with Mina and we've shared a room, even a bed, more times than I can remember, but imagining Mina's wonderful curves and contours is not something I have ever really done. Maybe I've given them passing consideration from time to time, but never actually imagined them. I can feel my cheeks blushing as my imagination goes into overdrive, I feel awkward, I feel embarrassed of my own thoughts. I picture Mina in her nightdress, the silk clinging to her curves, however, I know that in reality I'd make sure I was not looking in the general direction of Mina as she slipped into her nightwear because I wouldn't even know how to behave. It's stupid things like this that drive my mind to utter distraction. I imagine Mina's sweet, musky perfume as I think about nuzzling my head into the nape of her neck, where her prominent collar bones come to a sculpted finish. What I'd give to hold Mina in my arms right now is indescribable, oh what I'd give. I'll be lucky if I can _ever_ hold her in my arms again at night, not now that she is engaged to be wed... she has other things to preoccupy her mind. What with juggling her studying to become the next great physician and with all the _wifely _duties she will also be forced to stay on top of, I'll barely even see her in a few months time. The thought that nothing will ever be the same between me and Mina returns to my mind and the despair burning in my heart awakens again and reduces me to tears. My own fragile state of mind frustrates me more than I could ever explain, I cannot recall a point in my life where I've ever felt more weak and confused than this. Then I remember the strange feeling I had when looking at Lady Wetherby earlier that evening, it was similar to that which I feel towards Mina however not as obvious... and there was another quality that made it feel different. I have developed quite a respect for Lady Wetherby; albeit rather recently; in a way that a child would respect their favourite teacher, so that peculiar feeling is driving my mind to the brink of reason. In some ways I wish I never have to see her again so that I don't have to try and make sense of yet another thing that seems rather unusual and confusing to me... but I'm in desperate need to make sense of one of the many things that I no longer understand about myself, so why shouldn't it be that one? After all, I'm too afraid of entirely destroying my friendship with my dearest Mina to try and make complete sense of _that_ feeling_! _

_Where do you even begin to gain an understanding of something you can't explain, even to yourself, and have nothing to; let's say; use as a reference point? _

_I wonder if it's even possible..._

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**I know this chapter is shorter than the previous two, but I don't think it would make sense to include anything else in it. I hope you don't mind where this is going for a short time, I'm just really intrigued by how Lucy will view any developments that occur between herself and Lady Wetherby. I might be a bit slow updating because I want to try and write a few Christmassy oneshots, but I'll be back to this really soon. Please, please review I really, really appreciate any reviews you leave because they encourage me to keep writing. :) x**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to "Truly123" the person who mentioned the mistletoe in their review, as soon as I saw it I knew I had to write it... so that's why there's a new chapter of this and not Christmassy one-shots for any different pairings. I know some of you probably want something to happen between Lucy and Mina but for now, nothing serious really can because it just wouldn't make any sense. So here will be a few cute, fluffy scenes between the two of them... set on Christmas Eve. Hope you enjoy, sorry it's so long. X**

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I'm fed up of moping around my lifeless house deciding whether or not going out would be worth it... always reaching the same conclusion; that it wouldn't. I've spent the best part of the last three days imprisoning myself in my room because I just haven't had the heart to go anywhere, seeing as the only place I want to go is to visit Mina and I know she's been spending time with Jonathan... the thought of which makes my head spin with jealousy. I truly am ashamed of myself for how I reacted the night of the engagement party, I feel pathetic and confused but there's nothing I can do about that now. Today I've made it my mission to seek out Mina and just spend time with her, I can never lose our friendship because without her I have nothing. I'm dressing into the most casual of my dresses until I decide whether I am actually going to go out today. As I drag a comb through my hair, I hear a knock on the heavy door downstairs and my pulse quickens substantially. What if it is Mina? I'm barefoot but I begin to walk towards the stairs in case the maid cannot hear the knock from her current position in the kitchen, however as I reach the top of the stairs I can see she is already un-bolting the main door to reveal a ruddy-faced boy, holding out an envelope in his spindly fingers. As my maid takes it from his hand and thanks him, I sit myself down on the landing and simply observe. I expect the boy to turn away and promptly leave, however he doesn't. He begins to speak almost tentatively to my maid, saying, "Please, Miss. A shilling for my trouble?"

I hear her begin to voice her reply and to my knowledge she hasn't any money to spare this young boy, so I quickly rise from where I am perched and head down the stairs to the door. I am feeling somewhat generous today... not to say I'm not _always _generous.

"Boy, here, take this," I begin kindly, taking two shillings from the pocket of my dress and placing them in his palm, "After all, it is Christmas."

I think my last words are trying to remind myself just as much as anything else.

"Oh, thank you, Miss Westenra; and a Merry Christmas to you!" He calls excitedly as he speeds off down the path.

My maid hands me the letter and as I turn it over in my hand, I automatically smile. If there is anyone's handwriting I can recognise in a matter of seconds, it is my dearest Mina's. Her cursive letters have neatly printed my name on the front of the envelope. I run my finger along the top of it, in order to break its seal and I continue to stand there in the centre of the hallway, near the foot of the stairs. I feel my stomach tighten as I read Mina's beautifully written words; a smile still present on my lips. An invitation to a Christmas celebration tonight, at Carfax Manor. Why would Mr Grayson wish for us to attend another event on his premises, so soon after Mina and Jonathan's engagement party, just last week? I still hold my suspicions about the gentleman, however I am never one to turn down a party, especially one that Mina will be attending. I desperately hope that there are to be fewer guests tonight than there were for the engagement as even I am not accustomed to such a crowd at an event as small as this. At the foot of the letter, Mina states that unless I wish otherwise, she will be arriving at mine around five o'clock this evening to prepare for the celebration, as she suspects Jonathan will end up working late as he so often has in recent weeks. My mind is suddenly swimming with thoughts of Mina, I can hear her enchanting laugh and smell her sweet perfume...

I can hear my maid asking me something, however she sounds far off in the distance as I drag myself out of my world of imagination.

"Sorry, what was that?" I ask with an air of awkwardness, as I lift my head up from Mina's letter.

"I was just enquiring whether there was anything I can do for you, Miss Lucy?" She replies with her constant kindness.

"Yes, Yes... You can get me a drink please." I begin with a slight authority, "Tea or coffee, either way, make it strong. I need to rid myself of this dreadful hangover."

I've been drinking on and off for several days, it has numbed the pain of thoughts and feelings. The sweet burn of alcohol as it slid down my throat was the only comfort I've allowed myself these past days. My maid has knocked my door and I've taken the trays of food and drink, of which very little actually got eaten, and barely spoke a word.

"Are you feeling better now, Miss Lucy?" She asks me cautiously and I can see it in her eyes, she is afraid how I shall react; that I will yell at her, dismiss her, or simply completely ignore her.

"I am feeling much better; never better actually," I assure her, "before you say another word, I have had an illness... nothing more, nothing of interest to you dear." I can only hope that she believes me, or even thinks spineless, feeble Alistair is the one accountable for my tears and torment; even that is better than telling her the truth. A truth I can barely even tell myself. A truth I cannot imagine speaking aloud to a single soul.

* * *

"I did knock, however there was no answer and this seems to be as much my house as it is yours at present... I'm here more than I am at home." Mina laughs, as she stands in the doorway to my bedroom with a beautiful smile on her face.

"Well, except for the time spend with Jonathan, of course." I answer without any thought. I sincerely hope my tone came across in a far more casual manner than it had sounded in my mind.

"Of course, but that is different, Lucy, this will still be more a home to me than many a place ever could be." She replies in ever such a comforting way and walks towards where I am sitting on my bed. She sits herself down beside me and smiles warmly, as warm as ever, melting the ice around my heart immediately.

She is dressed simply in her smart but ever so dull clothes which she always wears whilst working. I wonder for a moment whether she has been working at the University with Professor Van Helsing or with her father's patients, over at Bethlem. Whichever place she has spent the day, I secretly hope to hear a tale or two of any interesting events which unfolded throughout it, much of which I do not understand but all of which provide me with a source of great intruige.

"Do you promise me that we shall still spend this precious time together, even once you and Jonathan are wed?" I fear that my words sound ever so childish but it is a thought that has been playing on my mind these past days.

"Oh Lucy, darling, that will never change. Why ever would you think such a thing? You will _always _be the best friend I could have, my marriage to Jonathan will never change that." If Mina's words hadn't been reassurance enough, she places her hand atop my own and slides her fingers between mine. My skin tingles at her touch, her soft skin on mine. Mina's use of the word _always _sticks in my mind. Would she still say that if she knew how I felt? I don't even see how she could.

"It'll never be the same though, Mina. You know it won't!" I retort, everything I've thought about these last few days is coming out and I'm truly afraid of what I might let slip accidentally.

"I don't understand, Lucy. How will it change a thing between us?" Mina enquires, leaning closer to me as if my eyes can somehow tell her the whole story, and laughably, I'm afraid they may do just that.

"I-I-I- I just don't want to lose you, Mina, darling." I stammer, fighting what my mind is willing me to say, willing me to explain. Can I fool myself into believing this; into believing that there's nothing more to it than not wanting to lose Mina's kinship? I know I can't, but oh how I often dream I could.

"Lucy, I cannot begin to imagine what could ever bring us to breaking friends..." Mina implores as she stokes the back of my hand in a repetitive motion, as though to assure both me and her that we are still here, together. Although Mina may be unable to think of something that could break our friendship, I unfortunately can and I'll never be able to rid my mind of this idea. I can feel a rogue tear welling up in my eye and I know that Mina will not leave me be if she sees it fall.

"Come, dear, let's get ready for this celebration. Wouldn't want to be late now, would we?" I announce, distracting Mina and also myself from my uncontrollable emotions.

"It's ever so kind of Alexander to invite us along, don't you think?" Mina answers in a grateful tone, she is ever so thankful to the peculiar American, and if it hadn't already been bad enough, she now seems to be on first name terms with him. My stomach is constricting and writhing as that awful dream haunts me for a moment, and even that is a moment too long.

"Lucy, are you okay?" Mina sounds concerned and her hands tightly grasp at my forearm. I must have zoned out as I thought about my dreadful dream. I can feel my cheeks blushing with pointless embarrassment.

"Yes my dearest, I'm still nursing the remnants of this morning's ghastly hangover." I respond convincingly, of course it is convincing, it _is_ the truth... or at least part of the truth.

"Please don't drink so late at night... Not alone, at least." Mina instructs and I smile affectionately as she begins to dress herself in a royal blue gown.

* * *

As we walk through the doors of Carfax Manor, arm in arm, I smile reassuringly in Mina's general direction, but not entirely at her.

"You look as wonderful as ever, Miss Murray," Mr Grayson exclaims as he gently kisses her hand. I hate it. I can feel my anger burning inside me. I don't know how long I can spend in his company, for I refuse to let him ruin my Christmas.

"And you too, of course, Miss Westenra." he adds half-heartedly as he goes to kiss my own hand, however I pulled it away before he can do so.

"Come on, Mina. I'm sure Mister Grayson has other guests to attend to... don't you, Sir?" I suggest with sarcasm; desperately searching for a reason to get away from his somewhat magnetic charm.

"Oh yes, Miss Westenra." Grayson starts with chastisement lacing his voice. His eyes convey a sense of distaste towards my attitude, and in all honesty, his scornful stare chills me to the bone.

"Oh Lucy, look at the tree!" Mina sighs in wonder, as she gazes into the grand room in front of us. I take this as a perfect opportunity to side-step Grayson's lethal stare and make my way into the main room, away from the American. As I take Mina's arm again, the comfort it gives me is divine. Her touch keeps me shielded from everything I fear... everything except the knowledge that she may view me differently if she was to find out my true feelings.

* * *

We walk into the room with our heads held high and our arms linked tight; into a room of gallantly dressed gentlemen with their wives or with the lady they are currently courting, trying to win her affections without even worrying whether he's gained her trust before hand. Mina and I make our way over to the corner of the room, where the tree towers over everything else in the room. It was decked out in a glorious array of grand decorations; from glass baubles to candy canes; from stars to glittering jewels. Candles burn brightly and their flames dart in the air at peculiar angles; casting their light across the room and glinting off the jewels hanging on the trees glorious branches.

"Mina, it's so beautiful." I whisper as I touch a smooth jewel lightly with a fingertip. It is red, blood red, and as I look into it I could swear that it was moving within its solid casing. My hairs bristle and my skin feels chilled even though the air around me is warmed by the great fire burning in the hearth.

"Darling, Jonathan hasn't arrived." Mina informs me in a hush, with a forced smile on her lips and pure disappointment in her usually sparkling eyes.

"Don't worry about him, he'll make his way here as soon as he can, Mina. He always does." I assure with a lingering spite on my tone, fighting the urge to tell her how I think that Jonathan will disappoint her time and time again... but that isn't fair on Mina, especially not on Christmas Eve.

"I'm going to need to find myself another dance partner now then, if Jonathan isn't going to show." Mina sighs and turns her back away from me. I know she must regret how she sounded just then, she values her independence more than almost anything else. I reach out my hand to touch her forearm and turning her back around to face me. I extend my fingers further as a way of invitation for Mina to take it.

"Me, Mina, dance with _me_. Seeing as I have no partner at all and yours is... held up for the time being, it only makes sense for us to dance together." I explain to Mina with a slight blush on my cheeks but a burning confidence in my voice.

"Oh Lucy, what would I ever do without you?" Mina giggles as she thinks about such things. I can hear the gentle beat of waltz music starting up and I watch for a moment as a few of the couples slowly make their way onto the dance floor.

"Care for a dance, Miss Murray?" I ask in mock politeness and bow my head the slightest bit as I await her equally mocking response.

"Why of course, Miss Westenra. I thought you would never ask." Mina responds eventually, her cheeks glowing with embarrassment as she is far less accustomed to acting a part as I am, but still accomplishing it as best she can. I extend my arm out again and take Mina's hand in my own; I can hear my heart pounding in my ears, colliding with my rib cage, flushing my face.

I've not felt this vulnerable in as long as I can remember, allowing myself to dance alone with Mina is risk I'm willing to take this chilly winter evening. My fantasies about Mina are making themselves known within my mind and I blink ever so quickly so not to drift into a daydream. How could I ever daydream as I stand this close to Mina herself, is beyond me... but better to be safe, all the same. Mina's floral scent is entoxicating as I begin to lead her around the floor in a steady waltz. I steady my one hand on her waist and the feel of the silk against my hand makes me shiver; the brief moment of imagining what it would be like to touch her waist without the barrier of clothes is dismissed promptly before I gain to much affection for this idea. I suddenly realised that if my hand is so close to Mina's skin, this means she isn't wearing a corset and I giggle briefly to myself at the thought... How childish of me, giggling is an incredibly irksome habit at times like this.

"Why are you giggling, Lucy?" Mina questions me almost instantaneously and I know there's no lying about this one. Mina is staring intently as she awaits my answer and I spend a few seconds admiring her features and then speak quietly.

"I just noticed how you are not wearing a corset tonight, that is all." I answer entirely truthfully even though I can feel my cheeks burning at the sheer awkward nature of this current conversation.

"There's just no need, so long as my ribbon is done tightly enough." Mina responds frankly and we continue to dance without any concentration. I'm still wrestling with my imagination but I remain completely composed.

"But it is good etiquette for a lady to always wear a corset to events such as this." I add foolishly, how hypocritical of _me _to speak of etiquette.

"Oh but was is etiquette but a curse in disguise?" Mina begins with a small smile as we decide to stop dancing for a moment to avoid any embarrassing collisions with our fellow dancers, "Forget etiquette Lucy, it's very unlike you follow rules anyway." I'm unsure whether that should be taken as an insult or a compliment or maybe just a statement... but whichever way it was intended, it was true.

"On the subject of rules, isn't it essential that you kiss if you find yourself under mistletoe during this festive period?" I whisper, almost childishly, with a warm smile dancing on my lips.

"Well, traditionally that is true. However that would require..." Mina stops speaking as I point a finger to the area above our heads, because there hangs a bunch of mistletoe. You'd think I've planned it to happen this way but in all honesty, it terrifies me. I finally have a reason to kiss Mina, but it causes my heart to race and my palms to sweat profusely. I have to tell myself that it's got to remain friendly, a quick kiss on the lips and nothing more; not a second thought. I can feel her tense in almost awkward anticipation, I wonder if she's expecting a mere kiss on the cheek, however that would be passing up an opportunity I may never have again. I feel somewhat guilty for not telling Mina how I feel about her but I know that telling her has the potential to turn my life into a kind of living hell, it could never end well... could it? I take a moment to calm my breathing, then I gently tuck a chestnut curl behind Mina's ear and allow my fingertips to linger upon her cheek; skin as soft as the silk of her dress. I know standing here much longer will make for awkward explanations. I can feel Mina's warm breath on my neck as I lean forwards, my heart pounding ferociously against my ribs. Then I feel Mina's lips meet mine, soft and smooth, I kiss her tentatively; it may have just been a small kiss however my head is spinning with pleasure and also with the sudden realisation that I'm still surrounded by people; that it's not just Mina and I. Her lips felt as soft as a rose petals but now all I can think of is the fact the smile on Mina's face seems strange.

"Lucy!" Mina laughs in surprise, but there seems to be an air of confusion about her voice.

"What?" I respond anxiously, yet slightly amused. Mina's expression is utterly unreadable.

"Oh, n-nothing," Mina begins apprehensively, "they do say a kiss under the mistletoe can symbolise lasting friendship and goodwill and it's said to grant good fortune on anyone who does so... so let's hope it makes our friendship stronger." Mina finally whispers, she seems confused but not angry so that's always one positive. That anxious knot is in my stomach again at Mina's repetition of _'friendship', _it feels as though my heart has been ripped from my chest by those words. I want desperately to be able to explain how it's so much more than friendship... but I wouldn't even know we're to begin. I sense that there is some suspect emotion concealed behind Mina's cobalt eyes and I'm terrified it could be some deep-set anger.

"I-I-I- I do too darling, I do too." I begin to reply, unsure what else I am about to say as I battle with my own strength of will. Mina's gaze suddenly drifts to the other side of the room. I don't need to look in that direction because I already know the only person it can be. If Grayson wasn't in my line of view already I'm sure I'd have considered it may be him, for a moment or two. Anyway, I can tell by the way Mina's staring and by the glint in her eye that it is Jonathan. It's always Jonathan. He will always be the one who has her heart, the one she will always run to... until he tries to crush her dreams again and turn her into the 'perfect English wife' he so truly wants. I shall be left to pick up the pieces. I wonder if Grayson understands how set in her ways Mina is, how his affections are likely to go unnoticed by her... just as my own have.

* * *

Mina bids me goodbye for the time being and I watch Jonathan take her by the hand and begin to explain where he has been all this time, no doubt. I'm standing alone now, staring aimlessly. I'm dumbstruck with emotion, so confused that my tears wouldn't fall from my eyes if they wanted to. The happiness I feel on remembering how Mina's lips felt against mine for that mere moment counteracts how I feel watching her with her darling Jonathan. I can feel that someone is standing beside me, I take a deep breath to regain my composure and breathe in a perfume I have not smelt before. Who is standing beside me? Even once I've turned around to face them, it takes me a few seconds to realise who it is.

"Oh, Lady Wetherby!" I exclaim, unable to resist smiling at her, however hard I try. Her glowing blonde hair falls gracefully against her shoulders; her dress a mix of jet black and blood red silks, with patches of detailed lace sewn here and there over the bodice.

"Miss Westenra," She begins casually, "I didn't intend to startle you. Walk with me?"

I feel compelled to do as she says, not unwillingly but out of sheer realisation just how authoritative she sounds when she speaks. As we walk, we remain in silence for less than a minute, thankfully, as in silence is often when I feel most vulnerable.

"How are you enjoying the celebration, Lady Wetherby?" I enquire, it being the only sensible question I can muster. We stop and sit down on the very far side of the room, however I glance to the dance floor and watch Jonathan leading Mina around in a far less polished waltz than she and I had performed just earlier.

"Please, call me Jayne. I am enjoying the festivities more now it has progressed past the niceties, I cannot abide such events when people find it necessary to ask after my well-being, as if they cannot think of better conversation than that." She responds, her voice almost hypnotising and her eyes dark and mysterious to me.

"Oh... I-I- I do apologise..." I begin tentatively, but Lady Jayne cuts me off.

"Not you, my dear, not you." She laughs affectionately, and I nod in response, however I'm not giving her my full attention any longer as I watch Mina dancing with Jonathan again.

"It is difficult, yearning for someone who's heart has been captured by another, is it not?" Jayne mentions empathetically, staring right at me. I feel lost, like a fish out of water.

"I-I-I-... but, how? I..." I cannot form a coherent sentence due to the immense fear I suddenly feel about the prospect of voicing a single thing that could confirm this statement of hers.

"Lucy; is it okay if I do call you Lucy? Calm, please. There is no need to panic in such a manor." She responds calmly, evidently unphased by my feeble attempt to put up protest.

"But... Is it that obvious?" I ask urgently but with far less panic in my voice this time. I can't stop myself from talking, even though I know that each word I say reveals too much about myself... but it feels almost unavoidable.

"To me dear, yes; glaringly so." Jayne responds so matter-of-factly that I feel utterly lost. How can she know? How can she be so calm about it all? She stands up from the chair in which she is sat and walks a few steps until she is stood right beside my chair. "Would you care to meet with me at mine sometime after Christmas?" She whispers, a strange quality to her voice but not by any means an unpleasant one.

"That sounds grand... so long as you are sure, Lady Wetherby?" I reply cautiously, unsure whether I'm making the right decision. After all, I barely even know her, but she knew of my feelings for Mina, that alone is reason enough to visit her.

"I said, please call me Jayne, and okay then. I shall send word of when it is an appropriate time to meet," She begins with almost businesslike authority but then her tone softens, "Do try to have a merry Christmas, Lucy." As she says her final words she drags a hand gently across my shoulders and brushes my hair to one side. There it is again, that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the same as on the night of Mina's engagement party.

"Y-You too." I stammer as I try to keep my composure. She walks away and leaves me sat at the table alone... but that's okay. I can see that Jonathan is beginning to tire of dancing and is beginning to mill amongst his business associates, so I walk over to Mina and offer her my hand to dance again which she takes gratefully and smiles at me warmly. I'm back in hold with Mina, safe from every other confusing emotion I'm feeling, safe from myself.

"Merry Christmas, Mina." I whisper, whilst desperately hoping she cannot detect the hint of longing in my voice.

"Merry Christmas to you too, dearest Lucy." Mina replies with a playful smile, as she misses a step in our dance. It's heartwarming to know that Mina isn't utterly disgraced by my kissing her earlier, for if she was she wouldn't be dancing with me again now. Everything about Mina is heartwarming on this crisp Christmas Eve; her smile, her grace, her independence. This dance and that kiss with Mina are the best Christmas presents I could have received, even if Mina doesn't understand how much they truly mean to me. I know... and that's all that matters for now.

* * *

**So, that was a lot longer than I intended it to be but it turns out that anything Lucy Westenra related is highly addictive and I just keep thinking of more and more to write. I really do hope you liked it and if I don't get another chapter written before Christmas, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas... and leaving me a review would be really kind of you, seeing as it's the season of goodwill and all that. (and because I have two weeks off school now so there's plenty of time to write if you guys want me to.) X**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm sorry it's been so long but I've just had no inspiration. I also didn't want to write based on episode 7 when a lot of U.S fans wouldn't have seen it (I still don't understand how we ended up two episodes ahead here in the UK) So yes, this episode is basically just the scene between Lucy and Lady Jayne in Ep7 but with some stuff altered and added. Let's pretend Jayne's motives are less of a 'revenge' plot because Lucy and Jayne's relationship could really go somewhere (not relationship as in _relationship_ but their whole dynamic and friendship) I'm sorry if this is shit. X **

* * *

Harsh, cold air nips and burns my fingers as I walk towards the carriage outside my front door. A gentle stream of snowfall drifts from the crystal white skies. I tug my fur collars around my neck tightly as the delicate snowflakes perch themselves upon my clothing. I can feel them collecting atop my hair and I smile faintly to myself as I admire the picturesque scene surrounding me.

"Oh Miss Westenra, Miss Westenra, please will you get into the carriage before you catch a chill!" I am kindly commanded by our ever efficient driver. He opens the door and ushers me inside the small, ornate cart. I cannot refuse because wishing to stand a while in the biting cold would create questions that I can do without. As I sit down, I tidy my skirts in a flourish and breathe deeply. I can feel the snowflakes melting on my hair and on my clothes in a methodical symmetry. I'm not usually one to treasure moments of silence; quite the contrary, I'm usually the one filling it. However, as I sit here all I can hear is the crunch of the cart wheels on the gravel and the sounding of the horses hooves as they trot along the roads. It's comforting; familiar. I watch from the window as friends and couples run along the pavements, hurrying out of the gentle snowfall. A well-known pang of jealousy rises in my stomach, all I've thought of for several days is how stupid I was in kissing Mina under that mistletoe. What ever possessed me to think anything truly good could come of it? She knew nothing of its true meaning; what was just a playful kiss due to festive tradition to her was, to me, a taster of what I know I can never have as my own. I perhaps thought I'd want her less but even now I scoff that I ever thought that would happen. That kiss felt like hours but it only lasted but a second or two; in my mind I've made it into more and I can't stop wondering if this is right, if this is ever possible. I don't understand a thing. I stop and close my eyes for a moment, listening to the repetitive turn of the wheels on the stone slabs begins to calm my fretful mind again. We're slowing down now and suddenly, calm isn't a word I can use to describe my feelings once again. Why am I even here? Lady Jayne's offer perplexed me on Christmas Eve but when she sent a letter to me just yesterday I realised she had thoroughly meant it.

So here I am, pulling up outside Lady Jayne's house with no true idea why I'm here. However much it confuses me, I feel an uneasy excitement about my meeting with Lady Jayne.

"Thank you." I nod to our driver as I step from the carriage into the now heavier snowfall. His face is painted with an air of confusion, which I genuinely think is due to the fact I've barely ever thanked him in my life. I don't know why I'm grateful now, but I am. I'm standing watching the snowflakes dancing to the ground and tickling my face. I laugh momentarily to myself and then decide that I should probably go inside.

* * *

I push the door of the drawing room open tentatively and see Lady Jayne sitting at the table in the centre of the room with her back facing the door.

"Ahh, Miss Westenra. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me." Lady Jayne chimes without even turning around to face me. How can she possibly be sure that it is me walking in the door?

"My- My pleasure, Lady Wetherby." I stammer, her whole persona turns my body into a picture of nervousness.

"Did I not tell you to call me Jayne?" She questions me with an accusatory tone.

"Yes, you did Lady Jayne." I smile wryly as she nods approvingly.

"Come, come. Sit down." She invites me with a wave of her hand and I feel compelled to do as she says.

As I sit down on the chair beside her, I take a moment to quietly admire her appearance. Her magenta dress hugs her figure tightly and the low-cut silk reveals a surprising amount of bare skin and I realise just how confused I truly am. I swallow hard as I try to ignore my thoughts and I try to hide the inevitable confusion on my face.

"Miss Westenra, as I said last week, I know what it's like to be denied one's heart's desire." Lady Jayne breathes as she looks at me with unswayed conviction.

"I-I-I- How long have you known?" I ask with almost feeble confusion.

"Does that matter, Miss Westenra?" She asks me with amusement lacing her voice.

"Yes. I just want to know how you could have possibly known my feelings. Even I don't understand my feelings!" I say with unexpected harshness.

"Lucy, I myself had several female lovers before I ever conjugated with a man, and seeing the manner in which you looked at Miss Murray felt as though I was peering into a looking glass... it's obvious to notice your affections towards her if you know what to look out for." Lady Jayne explains to me slowly as I suddenly feel my stomach knot itself up again. She understands, or she at least has an idea, how I feel.

"I-I-I- But... But..." I don't know what I'm trying to say but I just can't form the words in my befuddled mind.

"Miss Westenra, do not act as though you don't want to talk about it. I can see it in your face that that is *all* you wish to do." She demands, and quite startlingly she is correct. All I now want to do is talk about how I feel, I just don't know how to. I still find it incredibly intimidating that a woman as independent and, quite frankly, intriguing as herself is sat here in front of me.

"I still don't understand how you knew! When did you notice?" I manage to ask without hesitation, although I am still a bundle of nerves.

"When you watched her dance with Grayson, our reactions were in fact startlingly similar." Lady Jayne confirmed for me, a hint of something unfamiliar in her voice; something intriguing.

"Ohh..." I breathe, unsure how else to respond. Jayne smiles with a floury of amusement in her eyes. I feel as though she almost pities me and however confused I am, I am never one to accept pity.

"Surely Minerva... Surely your mother, has told you how common place these urges are?" Lady Jayne asks with surprise lingering at the end of her phrase. As she speaks, she pours me a cup of tea and I can't take my eyes off her hands even though I try desperately hard to ignore my own thoughts. I'm anxiously wringing my hands in my lap as I try to calm my nerves for what feels like the hundredth time since I arrived.

"Lucy..." Jayne begins as she passes me my cup of tea, "here you go." I take the cup in my hands and realise just how much they're shaking. I look away from Jayne in the hope she won't notice, after all, I already feel as though she is my teacher and I am her pupil; I don't need her to view me as anymore of a child than she already thinks I am.

"Miss Westenra, there is no need to be so nervous," she begins to say, her tone comforting but also almost hypnotising, "These longings are not unusual... Mina may even feel them too."

"Oh no, but the way Mina looks at Jonathan..." I start carefully, wary of the fact I sound childish no matter what I say.

"But can't looks; or in this case the way someone looks at another; be deceiving?" Jayne suggests as I try painfully hard to avoid her gaze. I nod obediently as I think about how I've never even considered that a possibility. Lady Jayne is reaching forwards now and I can feel her grasp on my forearm. My breath catches in my throat at her touch and my concentration drifts towards her face, forgetting that I am still holding my cup of tea in my other hand.

"Oh my dear girl, allow me..." She smiles and her voice is laced with unfamiliar tones. I place my teacup on the small table beside me and now I look straight into Lady Jayne's eyes; for a moment at least. My heart is pounding in my chest as I feel Jayne gently take a handkerchief and dab the fabric of my dress over my chest, drying the area which I spilled my tea on.

"See... Women have many secret ways of expressing desire, a touch of the hand-" Jayne is running her strong hand along my collar bone, down my side, "a gentle hug-" her hand lingers at my waist and I feel a shudder of excitement and a slight pang of nervousness. My heart still pounding, an unfamiliar feeling making itself know to me as Jayne's hand continues to linger on my waist, "-a stolen glance..." Her voice coarse and yet still somewhat friendly, causing my stomach to flutter with what I can only understand to be longing. She's moving her hand away, sitting back and looking me in the eyes.

"These longings are not unusual, Miss Westenra, do not be frightened." Lady Jayne soothes yet again. As I gather my composure, I manage to regain the ability to speak.

"But when I kissed her under the mistletoe her reaction didn't give me the impression that she felt anything for me but friendship, which I'll have you know I value greatly." I affirm with a rather unusual amount of control. My whole world seems out of control in this single moment and the only way I feel the slightest bit in control is clinging to the one thing I'm certain of, that Mina is the most important thing in that world. Lady Jayne reaches into my lap and takes my hand in hers, again causing me to feel an unusual sense of longing.

"Ahh... So there _is_ some in there." Jayne smiles, a mischief in her eyes.

"Some what?" I enquire, considering her response had absolutely no relation to anything I just said.

"Some fight, Miss Westenra!" She responds lavishly, as though this was obvious. I can feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment as she holds onto my hand looking at me with another peculiar glance.

"I-I-I-" My stomach twists with nerves again as I can't decide where this conversation is going. Suddenly there's a knock on the door, who knocks on the door of a drawing room before walking in? Even I didn't knock the door of her drawing room before walking in.

"I'll be just a few minutes, I just need to see to some... business." Lady Jayne quickly informs me as she gets up from her chair and goes to the door. In answer to the question I previously posed myself, someone to do with Lady Jayne's _business_ is the sort of person who knocks the door of someone's drawing room. What _is_ Lady Jayne's business?

I dismiss this thought from my mind but it's immediately filled with thoughts of Mina as I wonder what she's doing at this moment. Is she at the university? Is she at the hospital with her father? Or the one thing I can't bear to imagine, is she with Jonathan right now? Right, I can't bear to torture myself in this manner so I'm going to distract myself. Looking around Lady Jayne's drawing room I notice a shelf full of papers and books bound in leather which make me wonder if that'll give me any idea what Lady Jayne does. I don't think I'm actually all that interested in Lady Wetherby's business but it takes my mind off the fact nothing in my life makes any sense to me at this moment.

* * *

I flick through several pages from the shelf and see a map and the odd page with names and places written on them in someone's neat scripture. I pick up the book bound in jet-black leather and hold it for a moment or two, the front is entirely black except for _'1886' _inscribed in gold. The pages are already yellowed and well-leafed and how can I resist opening it and seeing what's inside? There's dates written neatly every so often, like a record of events but there's no consistency in the dates and I don't know what is being written about. However, the majority of the penmanship seems familiar to me so I make the well educated assumption that it's Lady Jayne's. I flick several pages deeper into the book and I notice a photograph slipped inside one of them. A gentleman in smart dress clothes that were tattered and worn at every seam. I notice something printed underneath but I don't get the opportunity to read it as the book falls to the ground. I'm blinking as I stare towards the door and notice Lady Jayne has just re-entered the drawing room looking slightly more flustered than she had before; her facial expression more severe. I suddenly realise I at least have the sense to hurry to pick the book up and put it back on the shelf.

"Sorry about that, Miss Westenra... All sorted now." Jayne announces with an alluring air of mystery in her voice, "Shall we take a seat?" She walks over to the sofa and invites me with another casual wave of her hand. I'm wondering why she hasn't questioned why I'm wandering around her drawing room, but I guess she couldn't have expected me to sit where I was the whole time, as though I am an obedient child... Could she?

"Yes..." I respond with hesitation, contemplating whether or not to question her on what the mystery person at the door had wanted but my mind is a blur as I make eye contact with her once more. I clench my fist in an attempt to keep my composure but as I do so I feel that I'm still holding the photo of the raggedy looking gentleman. I'm more accustomed to hiding things than a young lady probably should be; in more ways than one; so I decide keeping the picture is the easiest thing I could do. I know it's rather childish to keep hold of one picture just because I want something to do; something that doesn't involve planning Mina and Jonathan's wedding. Thinking of Mina's marriage was the worst thing I could have done. I'm just standing here in the middle of the drawing room; stock still. I remember the look on Mina's face when I kissed her and then I think about how she had that genuine glisten in her eyes when Jonathan arrived, "It'll never be me that Mina wants, Lady Jayne, Mina loves Jonathan far too dearly and he makes her happy... I can't jeopardise her happiness!" I whisper with a lingering resent in my voice as I sit down on the sofa beside Lady Jayne.

"My dear girl, what about your own happiness? And anyway, young women do not know what they want from one day to the next." She soothes, leaning forwards, closer to me.

"But she has never uttered a word." I spontaneously reply, without a moment of consideration.

"Neither have you" Jayne exclaims with warmth, "Maybe Miss Murray isn't even aware of her feelings."

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and my breath catching in my throat as I try to speak. I smile coyly and now I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"Miss Westenra, if you want her to know then you need to make Mina realise your affections..." Jayne instructs me, making me feel like a child being ruled over yet again. She takes my hand gently in hers and my heart is thudding against my rib cage so reverently I'm afraid it might break through. "You must know how to display your affections like a lady, not flirt and simper like your common street walker." She finished with certainty.

"I-I- I must?" I stammer, I can't decide whether I'm doing it because I'm afraid or I'm irritated by her remark or because I am brimming with anticipation as to where this is going. It all feels rather dangerous; dangerous but exciting.

"Of course..." Lady Jayne's breath skims my skin as she utters her words. "The key is capturing the five senses." She takes my hand in hers and gently runs a finger across the tips of my own.

"Touch..." I watch her hand as she gently touches my fingers and traces patterns on my palm with her own slightly calloused hands, "your fingertips across their arm... their cheek." She takes a moment to observe my reaction and I'm intent on remembering what she says, my eyes still fixed on her hands to hide anything else that may be obvious in my eyes.

"Scent..." She's still caressing my fingertips and I can no longer watch her hands, I cannot resist the urge to look her in the face. "Memories of summer, reminiscent of the warm sun on naked skin." Her voice is so gentle and hypnotising as she speaks, she isn't looking at me but I'm drawn to her. My heart continues to pound in my chest, nervousness battling with ecstasy.

"Sound..." Now she looks at me as she speaks, right into my eyes and I feel a thrill but I also feel intimidated by its precision.

"Your laugh, light and gentle like a crystal bell" A smile dances on her lips as she speaks and my breathing hastens as I try to keep a control of all the thoughts I'm battling with in my mind.

"Sight..." Her fingers still lingering on my own fingertips and she's leaning in closer to me. My heart racing, my breaths short. I find myself staring right into her eyes now and there is no way I could look anywhere else, even if I wanted to. "A look... that lingers, and promises so... much... more." The silence between her words causes my mind to go crazy, a hundred feelings I've never had in true context. Lady Jayne's perfume, sweet but musky. I breathe in deeply and it is almost intoxicating. It's overpowering any sense of worry in my mind. She's leaning in towards me now and my heart is beating so loudly I can hear it in my ears, as loud as a drumbeat. I'm staring deep into her eyes now and I've almost entirely forgotten this began as a conversation. My breathing rapid as I lean forwards ever so slightly as well, closing the distance between myself and Lady Jayne. Her silence feels like a lifetime as I look upon her face.

"And finally..." She begins to speak, her voice coarse and poetic. I fight against my thoughts for a moment but I can't fight them as Jayne begins to close the remaining gap between us.

"Yes..." I breathe ever so feebly, but I barely manage to get the words out due to the burning anticipation between us, "Go on..." I finally manage to finish. Now my heart is racing and Jayne's lips are barely inches away from mine now and the look in her eyes causes my stomach to clench its knots even tighter. She's leaning into me, I can feel her breath hot on my skin and it gives me shivers. Her lips are hovering within touching distance of my own but I'm not brave enough to close the gap on my own.

"Taste." Jayne breathes against my lips, her voice raspy and laced with what I imagine to be passion. Every wall I've ever put up against my true feelings weakens in this split second and I know that I need to calm my breathing before I pass out. Her tongue against her my lip, the strangest of sensations. I'm dizzy with pleasure and now I can feel Jayne's lips on mine. Soft and silky, I'm savouring each second of this because I'm afraid I'll never have this kiss again. I'm suddenly kissing her back, reciprocating the pleasure. It feels almost supernatural, this woman who is just so very aware how to capture my attention. My hands on her cheeks, pulling her closer, desperately afraid if I let go I'll never have the opportunity to kiss a woman again, let alone kiss Mina like this. This feels incredulously dangerous to me. Lady Jayne is pulling away and I can feel the longing in my eyes as I allow my hands to linger at her chin. A feeble sigh of happiness and longing escapes my mouth and I'm feel myself blush and coyly smile at Jayne. Her lips are back on mine again, kissing me fervently. I'm lost in the moment and Jayne begins to drift from my mind and I imagine that I'm kissing Mina; gentler, calmer. Jayne bites the skin on my lip slightly and my nerves return. I wonder if she is thinking of someone else; thinking of Grayson perhaps. It's now my turn to pull away, filled with intoxicating passion and a little less confusion than when I had arrived.

"Remember, Miss Westenra..." Jayne's breaths are still short; as are my own; when the words leave her lips that my eyes are still drawn to in wonder, "A woman's power is not in her beauty or her smile, it's in her mind."

I can't speak to reply but I simply nod slightly an smile broadly, my cheeks most certainly a delicate shade of rose. I feel content in the knowledge that Lady Jayne understands somewhat how I feel, and it was most certainly not a bad thing to share a kiss with her. I must admit I was rather surprised that Jayne so willingly kissed me and whilst with her I understand there's no true affection, there is definitely something. I still feel dizzy from her attention, which is understandable as I now know what I want... But it appears to have been no chore to Lady Jayne either, in fact she appears to have rather enjoyed it herself. I realise I'm sat in silence but Lady Jayne doesn't seem to mind, as she pours another cup of tea for herself and I, respectively. How can I ever have the courage to show Mina my affections? What if she has no such emotions in return? I can never jeopardise our friendship.

* * *

**I will be extremely grateful if you could review :) Please, please, please. I promise there will be plenty of Mina in the next chapter to make up for the fact she's not in this one... and anyway, I'll want to write fluffy Lucy/Mina scenes after whatever emotional trauma episode 9 intends to cause me on Thursday. X**


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